All tagged tongue in cheek
“Tell me something nobody else knows about you,” he says, sitting across from you at the romantic table. In most settings, he looks like a boy, but sometimes he looks like a man, or a cat, or a telephone pole. He looks past your left ear when he speaks, like your eyes are the production assistant’s camera, like your eyes are the burning loins red foxglove on the mantel.
“Hey, what are you doing?” Ben asks as the customer sweeps him off his feet, lies down on the Starbucks floor, and begins bench-pressing him.
My family huddled around me as I armed the flare gun and shot it into the sky. My wife's stomach was the size of a ripe cantaloupe.
Should Men Be Allowed into Politics? 10 Politicians Explain Why That’s a BAD IDEA
Despite good-faith efforts of both parties (Elliot Suarez and Misha Suarez [nee Jackson]), the Agreement of Legal Separation made on January 3rd of this year has proven nonviable. By mutual covenant, it is hereby dissolved.
An online quiz says I have the same personality as Jesus. What does this say about me? That even if I’m unloved, they all know who I am. That betrayal will be what kills me.
It’s the day before couple’s therapy and I need a haircut. The first haircut I want is one that will make me taller. I want a haircut that makes me look rich, but not entitled.
To prevent tipping the step-masculinity due to overreaching, the user must work with the body centered. Do not attempt to mount the masculinity from the side or step from one masculinity to another unless the masculinity is secured against sideways motion.
Before she left me, my ex-wife cast a spell that turned me into a mouse. When the shock of this spouse-to-mouse transition wore off, I realized I could still recall all the moves to Michael Jackson’s "Thriller," so of course the endorsement deals came rolling in.
We live in the furniture store. We order Chinese and pretend we cooked it in the Sylco Modern Kitchen Space. We eat it in the Shepherd and West Cozy Corner. Our drinks sit on the Recycled Wood Coasters, set of four. Mine has a fox. Yours has a manatee. Last week I found a pair of women’s underwear, not my own, in the Miss Magenta Vanity and Dresser Set.
One time, I stood outside in the rain and got wet without ever feeling a single drop because I needed satellites to beam me reception. And inside, my buddy’s metal band played music I couldn’t hear, only a pulsing in the bricks and the rolling double bass drum. I needed to tell all my followers I was there.
The fiddler on the roof has a preexisting condition. He’s been keeping his balance for a thousand years. Apparently, that’s a serious condition. He just wants to see the doctor.
Zombie Girl can't cook. Can't look at the TV. Can't find the remote for all the singing in her head. The blankets singe against her skin. The thin membrane of her wearing away like a blister at her heel. The real beginning of the story not death, but disengagement.
Everyone's on their phones. I mean out in the world. And also here's a drawing of a rabbit driving a car and he's talking on his cellphone and it even looks like a stick shift. Can you drive stick shift?
Pascal pointed to the door that separated the living room from his bedroom.
“Piss on it.”
“That door,” Pascal said. “Piss on it.”
Did you always want to be a whiter?
Not always. But from a young age I did have a “creative spark,” or so my parents tell me. First it was drawing, then I wanted to make video games. In high school I wanted to white fantasy. But then I got older and I went to college and I was introduced to Hemingway and Faulkner and O’Connor and all the greats, and slowly I began to realize: I wanted to white literature.
I killed the world’s tallest man because I was sick of seeing him on TV selling Subway sandwiches and doing PSAs about bullying.
Congratulations on your buy of new product KFZ6515-33L. Now you enter group of elite. What fantastic tasks you shall do!
After years of silence from Norway's über-celebrated anti-Christian superstars, Clairvoyant Hatelurker is back with their most distorted slab of inspiringly damaged grimrobed fury: Annihilation From Within.
It’s at that moment where you see a human form pass between two large headstones. You ask him/her if they saw it. He/she says “See what? You’re trying to dodge the question.” You know they saw it. Then you realize that it was their idea to take the graveyard shortcut all along.