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Choose Your Own Adventure: If You Expect Life to Be Easy and Without Pain, Turn to Another Story

Choose Your Own Adventure: If You Expect Life to Be Easy and Without Pain, Turn to Another Story

Mike Seperack

If you want to discover the source of your confused, hesitant nature, turn to the chapter titled “Origins,” subtitled “The Neurotic Sperm Stumbles Upon the Poor Lost Egg.”

If you want to trace the roots of your deep-seated feelings of inadequacy, turn to the chapter titled “You Can Do Absolutely Anything if You Just Work Hard Enough.”

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If you want to re-live the death of your first boyhood dream, turn to the chapter titled “T-Ball League,” sub-titled “Shortstops for the Real Yankees Rarely Duck out of the Way When the Ball Is Hit to Them,” sub-subtitled “And They Never Scream.”

If you want to have a tiny chocolate snack cake become your ticket to popularity, turn to the chapter titled “Mom Puts Ho Hos in My Lunch Every Day.”

If you want to have a tiny chocolate snack cake lead to threats against your physical well-being, turn to the chapter titled “Billy the Bully.”

If you want to make a friend, turn to the chapter titled “Little Blond Becky Moves In Up the Street.”

If you want to have a major conflict resolved for you, turn to the chapter titled “I Don’t Have to Give You My Ho Hos Anymore, Billy,” subtitled “Becky Knows How to Scratch.”

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If you want to discover new levels of awkwardness, turn to the chapter titled “Middle School,” subtitled “Growth Spurt with Acne.”

If you want to have something come between you and a friend, turn to the chapter titled “Becky’s New Breasts.”

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If you want to keep your virginity through high school graduation, turn to the chapter titled “Tuba Lessons.”

If you want to witness a bad trade, turn to the chapter titled “Backseat Becky Tries to Fit In.”

If you want to graduate and see a small town get smaller in your rearview mirror, turn to the chapter titled “The Big Move to The Big City.”

If you want to embark on a romantic adventure, turn to the chapter titled “The Beautiful Orphan Girl Across the Hall.”

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If you want to have a tawdry evening, turn to the chapter titled “Dinner and a Movie with The Beautiful Orphan Girl,” subtitled “Scrambled Eggs and Orange Juice with The Beautiful Orphan Girl.”

If you want to throw yourself into a pit, turn to the chapter titled “The Real Life Story of The Beautiful Orphan Girl, as Told by The Beautiful Orphan Girl.”

If you want the plot to thicken, turn to the chapter titled “The Parents of The Beautiful Orphan Girls Come for a Visit,” subtitled “The Real Life Story of The Beautiful Orphan Girl, as Told by Her Parents.”

If you want to mire yourself in the muck at the bottom of a pit, turn to the chapter titled, “The Beautiful Orphan Girl Explains the Existence of Her Parents,” subtitled “I Am Going to Save This Girl.”

If you want to explore the darkest depths of denial, turn to the chapter titled “Of Course I Wouldn’t Expect You to Come Home on Such a Rainy Night, Driving in the Rain Can Be So Dangerous.”

If you want to be flung out of a pit against your will, turn to the chapter titled “The Real Boyfriend of The Beautiful Orphan Girl Gets Out of Rehab,” subtitled “The Beautiful Orphan Girl Gets Engaged, and Not to You,” sub-subtitled “Sorry I Won’t Be in Town for the Ceremony, but Which Smoke Shop Are You Registered At?”

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If you want to make a whole new kind of mistake, turn to the chapter titled “Rebound,” subtitled “Believe It Or Not, We Actually Have a Lot in Common,” sub-subtitled “Well, I, Um, I Mean, Of Course I Love You Too.”

If you want to make an escape of sorts, turn to the chapter titled “I Do Solemnly Swear That I Will Support and Defend the Constitution of The United States of America Against All Enemies Foreign and Domestic,” subtitled “I Just Don’t Think a Long Distance Relationship Would Be Fair to Either Of Us.”

If you want to do push ups, yell yourself hoarse, and stand in line for long, long, long periods of time, turn to the chapter titled “Basic Training.”

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If you want a detailed technical description of your military training, refer to United States Army Soldier’s Manual and Trainer’s Guide for MOS 92G, Food Service Specialist.

If you want to find religion, turn to the chapter titled “Mobilization Orders.”

If you want to gain a renewed grip on your agnosticism, turn to the chapter titled “Mobilization Orders Revoked.”

If you want to be blindsided by tragedy, turn to the chapter titled “The Icy Road and The Oncoming Truck,” subtitled “Your Parents Always Said They Were Proud of You.”

If you want to feel imprisoned by freedom, turn to the chapter titled “Discharge Papers.”

If you want to see early-stage Alzheimer’s progress to late-stage Alzheimer’s, turn to the chapter titled “Why Don't I Cook Dinner This Time, Grandma?”

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If you believe a story can come full circle and have at least a chance at a neat, happy ending without being contrived and saccharine, turn to the chapter titled “Visiting Nurse Becky.”

If you believe neat, happy, full-circle endings are inherently contrived and saccharine, you can create your own ending using soiled adult diapers and a chronically pessimistic worldview.

Good luck.

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All rights reserved to Mike Seperack.

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