Unlosing Your Virginity
Start by renegotiating your definition of the word virgin, which is defined by Merriam-Webster as “a person who has not had sexual intercourse.” This definition does not leave much room for individual interpretation. You can reconcile the definition for your personal use by adding or omitting a few words here or there. For example, a virgin could be “a person who has had sexual intercourse before, but regrets it” or “a person who has not had sexual intercourse recently” or even “a person who has not had satisfying sexual intercourse.” Perhaps the best alternative of all is to redefine the word intercourse, which usually says something very vague about involving the genitals of at least one person. Pretend like you don’t even know what “genital” means. (Maybe you don’t!) Get creative. After all, you will live the rest of your life by this definition.
(Perhaps this should have been the first step)
Put your boxers/briefs/tighty-whities/boyshorts/g-string/thong etc. back on! Virginity is like any object: it can be misplaced or lost if you are careless with it, if you don’t guard it closely enough, if you leave it out in the open for anyone to steal.
If you are a Roman Catholic, pray incessantly for St. Anthony to find your virginity. Depending on how many times you’ve lost your virginity, you may need to consult your local priest, who is one of St. Anthony’s coworkers and an employee of God. Don’t be nervous or shy about visiting the priest: he has probably spent more hours listening to ex-virgins such as you confessing their sexual imprudence than he has preaching at the pulpit or teaching CCD. And don’t worry about God: He already knows.
If you’re not Catholic, you can probably skip the praying and confessing and still be okay. Start by taking a shower. The shower can be a religious experience in itself, as water generally symbolizes “rebirth.” Something like that.
Treat your unvirgin self as if you had lice: wash and rewash (or better yet, burn or sell) all of the mattresses, couch cushions, blankets, kitchen tables, and washer and dryer sets that the sex may have contaminated.
Research devices to keep your boxers/briefs/thong/panties/etc. tightly secured to your body. Form a hypothesis about which method will simultaneously be the most effective and cause the least amount of pain to your genitals and then, like any good scientist, test your hypothesis by conducting experiments. Consider these possibilities: stitching, stapling, gluing, or taping your undergarments to your body. You may also want to consider making your future undergarments from a material that cannot be destructed by bare hands, such as stainless steel or glass. Again, get creative. This is your future we’re talking about here.
Something to consider…
If you are a man, you can unlose your virginity by simply forgetting you ever lost it.
If you are a female, you are not so lucky. Like most of your girl friends, your vagina is one duplicitous little bitch. When you had sex for the first time—or even when you wore a tampon for the first time—your hymen (colloquially known as a “cherry”) broke (“popped”), leaving a mark of your sexual transgression on your permanent record for all the world—mainly gynecologists—to see. There is good news and bad news. The good news is that, like any object, the hymen (and thus, in turn, your virginity) can be replaced with surgery. The bad news is that, like any surgery, this one requires a doctor to perform it, leaving behind one person (or several, depending on how seriously your doctor follows all that doctor-patient confidentiality code) who will always know the truth about you.
Once you have redefined and/or restored your virginity, the hardest part begins. Make an oath to—God? Your family? Your friends? A stranger? Yourself? Your bed? —never to lose it again. Tell your confidant that you will be responsible for your virginity at all times, that you will always use the “buddy system” when you travel even to the nightstand or the dresser, and that you will never leave it alone, where it will be vulnerable to thieves and lovers (generally the same person). Keep your virginity with you at all times, just the way you keep your cell phone or your iPod or your driver’s license with you, realizing that this is the most precious and valuable possession you own. Though you may get tired of your virginity (because really, it does have such a dull, goody-two-shoes personality), you should never, under any circumstances, be so negligent as to lose it again. But in the event that you do, don’t worry about it too much. Just go back to step one.
All rights reserved to Kayla Washko.