What Your Friends Never Knew About You (A Spooky Story)

What Your Friends Never Knew About You (A Spooky Story)

Ryan Bradford


Part 1: Instructions on how to read What Your Friends Never Knew About You (A Spooky Story)

This story contains numerous, unintelligible sounds. Including:

HWUAHOOOOPHESTO — This sound is like the feeling of walking through a graveyard with a former love interest. An ex, maybe. Perhaps the two of you have are drunk after a mutual friend’s party. She/he has asked you to walk them home and, of course, the two of you have decided to take a shortcut through the graveyard. You talk about the past you once shared. He/she asks if there was anything they could have done to change how things ended up. It’s at that moment where you see a human form pass between two large headstones. You ask him/her if they saw it. He/she says “See what? You’re trying to dodge the question.” You know they saw it. Then you realize that it was their idea to take the graveyard shortcut all along. That sudden loss of breath you experience at that moment is how to pronounce this word.

PIBTHSH — This would be the soundtrack to your teeth falling out.

HATHEEEETHAHAASHHHH — Pretty self-explanatory, really. This is the sound that your three-year old son makes when you ask where he got those scissors. He doesn’t respond, but turns and stabs at the air in your direction. “Stop it,” you say, laughing at his misappropriation of the scissors. He doesn’t stop. You reach for the scissors and he stabs your hand deep enough to break the skin. The boy laughs and comes at you. You run to the bathroom and lock the door to wait for your spouse to come home.

CTSHCTCHKIII — The sound of scuttling. Terrible, unholy scuttling.

COOOWOOSHAROOAGH — This sound is a little trickier to describe, but think how it must feel to bring dead tissue back to life. Popular literature and movies have not dissuaded you from pursuing the gift of eternal life. This is especially true when your best friend becomes involved in a horrific, decapitating car accident. You wait it out, keep the head on ice. It’s not your fault that the night you resurrect your friend is dark and stormy. The moment the head achieves consciousness, you hear a knock at your door. You throw a sheet over your buddy to see who it is. Turns out to be his wife. She still can’t shake her husband’s tragic death and has sought your companionship for comfort. The rain has soaked her. She’s confused, possibly drunk. You run your fingers through her hair and she stares up at you. You know she’s not seeing you, but her husband. She holds your head in her hands like you did her husband’s just moments ago. She kisses you and you don’t stop it. You kiss so passionately that you don’t notice the thump from other room, the strained rolling. When the head of your best friend finds you kissing his wife, it emits the COOOWOOSHAROOAGH. It’s a passing of air meant for a scream, the sound of a heart breaking where there is no heart.

GHAWHOOOR — Rhymes with “fawhoo.” The R is silent.


Part 2: What Your Friends Never Knew About You (A Spooky Story)

“I know how to summon ghosts,” you say. “I bet you never knew this about me.” You summon a terrible ghost and it says COOOWOOSHAROOAGH! Sally keeps saying “Look at those eyes! Look at those eyes!” and cries HATHEEEETHAHAASHHHH. She’s almost too scared to talk: GHAWHOOOR. You try to make it stop but the ghost is just too terrible. HWUAHOOOOPHESTO! You think it’s gone, but then one last PIBTHSH and then CTSHCTCHKIII. The ghost appears to be gone. For now.

Ryan Bradford's writing has appeared in Quarterly West, Paper Darts, Vice, and [PANK]. He's also the founder of the literary horror journal, Black Candies. Find him at

All rights reserved to Ryan Bradford.



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