Okay, first thing you need to do is gain an edge over your competitors. My edge is buttons. I usually wear about 100 of them to any interview. I wear buttons with phrases like “Do I look like a people person?” or “Mondale-Ferraro 1984.” These buttons can come in very handy during an interview. If you are stumped by a question you can simply look to a button and use that as your answer. Be prepared though, these buttons will make a lot of noise as you shift in your seat. You are going to need to yell to be heard over them.
Number two, have a well-placed mustard or BBQ sauce stain somewhere on your shirt or blouse. This implies that you are a common person and that you eat mustard or BBQ sauce. If it seems like no one is noticing this stain and they’re treating you like you are fine china, point to your shirt and say something like, “Saving a little bit for later, heh-heh.”
IMPORTANT: Whenever you tell a joke during your interview, make sure you say “heh-heh” after you are done. This way there will be no confusion between your jokes and your real answers. This confusion occurs much more than you might think—especially if you use the “Zero to Bitch in 4.7 seconds” button to answer an interview question.
Be eager, but not overeager. People say this all the time, but if you think you can finish one of the interviewer’s questions before they are done asking it, you really, really should. It saves your future employer time and money and your interviewer will appreciate that a lot. Whenever you finish one of their questions for your interviewer, you should always yell (unless you are wearing quieter buttons, in which case you can say it in a normal voice) “Ca-CHING!” Then, of course, you should say “heh-heh.”
Always thank your interviewer with a kiss on both cheeks. Most interviewers are European or from Spain and they will think highly of you for your attempt to assimilate to their culture. While you may think this is the time to compare funny customs that differ between countries, wait. You will have ample space to write about this in your thank you letter. The letter can also be used, if interviewer was a different sex or race from you, to compare the many differences between the sexes and races. This letter is, oddly enough, NOT a forum to complain about the bad lobster you ate in Mexico or your rheumatoid arthritis.
MOST IMPORTANT: If you have not been offered the job after two hours, make sure to call your interviewer every ten minutes until you get the answer that you want. Employers will appreciate your assertiveness. It is a little known fact that they absolutely love to field questions like “Um, yeah, so, what’s up with that job anyway?” over and over.
Lastly, always remember to wear your buttons (even if they smell rank and need to be washed) when you call your potential employer back about the job. You never know when an interviewer will ask you an impromptu follow-up question like, “Do you really think we would hire YOU?” That very thing has happened to all of us at one time or another and if you are not prepared for this question with a quick and informative button quality answer, you will probably blow your chances for a new and wonderful career.
All Rights Reserved to John Jodzio.