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Manual

Manual

 Jacqueline May

lydiafusco-illustration-jacquelinemay-writer.jpg

Congratulations on your buy of new product KFZ6515-33L. Now you enter group of elite. What fantastic tasks you shall do!

KFZ6515-33L is made from materials of highest quality. You can have proud to show KFZ6515-33L to friends.

Many cautions are there for best using of KFZ6515-33L.

1. Do not operate automobiles simultaneous of KFZ6515-33L.

2. Do not touch KFZ6515-33L with mouth or tongue.

3. Do not become translator.

4. Do not tamper KFZ6515-33L with tool of metal.

5. If KFZ6515-33L move without help, destroy quickly. Suggest flamethrower in spring catalog, page 66.

You know the quality of KFZ6515-33L because it come from Swift River Factory, most respected. In such factory translator never pushed into room with no lunch, no original manual, door locked, so hot.

KFZ6515-33L designed by chief engineers with education from universities of so high level, students no longer speak to students of lower universities. Like they are so good now. Like they did not steal answers for entrance exam and not even share with best friend. Engineers who are so smart never must say to parents, "I do not wish university, I wish career of art," and parents say, "No, you must have university even though poor maths and sciences, you will study English now," and you say, "I do not like English, I cannot learn," and they say, "You are lucky with scores so low to have university. You will obey to have good life."

Good life you will have with KFZ6515-33L! Imagine what you will do. Maybe you have large house, good furniture, many fine items. KFZ6515-33L can make house so better than rented room behind train station. Maybe you have wife with pretty smile, chief engineer wanted to marry. KFZ6515-33L can make her smile! She is happy and chief engineer is alone. Maybe you have career in art! You paint beautiful lands and your pretty wife bring fruits on a white plate, and KFZ6515-33L stands near.

All of KFZ6515-33L functions are tested carefully at factory: all the very useful functions and also crushing of head, making of deadly seizure with fume, quick removing of hand or finger. Sound of screaming is sound of productive!

Swift River Factory very productive today.

This is another caution: If chief engineer says, "Old friend, I have job for speaker of English," do not say, "Old friend! I am happy to see you!" Say, "Tell me about job." Say, "Your product, what exact it do? Is it pleasant?" Say, "Do factory get so hot, such noise, crashing and screaming like end of world, until too loud even for afraid?"

New bonus function for KFZ6515-33L: hitting locked door, again, again, until begins to open. Never worry to forget keys! KFZ6515-33L enter your house any way! With KFZ6515-33L, soon you are home, you forget ugly unknowable English, you kiss your wife on her laughing mouth, your paintbrush come to your hand in cool and quiet room.


Jacqueline May lives in Lafayette, Indiana, and finds author bios terribly awkward. Her work has appeared most recently in Storm Cellar, The Toast, and Revolution House. She might finish a novel someday.

Illustration by Lydia Fusco.

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