Looking for Help

Harry McAlister


When first PERFECT_DOG is arrived at your Home, speak in loud clear Voice to command which areas are Forbidden and which are Not with phrases “Yes” and “No.” PERFECT_DOG will sound Once after each such Command. This is Acceptable and Normal. Forbidden areas are Owner-defined but Must include all areas containing hazardous Materials. Under no Circumstances allow PERFECT_DOG to come into Contact with Contaminated Water or Power Tools. This is Forbidden. If PERFECT_DOG at any Time requires Cleaning, interact clean and moist Cloth with PERFECT_DOG until cleansed. Do Not use Soap or Liquid Cleaner. PERFECT_DOG may be named at Your discretion via Repetition and Praise.

In time Life becomes difficult to remember before PERFECT_DOG. This is OK. Should you wish to Feed PERFECT_DOG place bowls of Water and Nourishment in familiar Location twice daily. PERFECT_DOG will become Appreciative and Intake. Interior of PERFECT_DOG is replenished via exposure to Oxygen if Meal is missed and Feelings of PERFECT_DOG cannot be Hurt. Release PERFECT_DOG for 15 Minutes after Consumption. Feces of PERFECT_DOG are biodegradable but Must be destroyed in separate Container.

To engage PERFECT_DOG in Play select please Toy with no more than 80cm of Grip and 40kg of Mass and interact Toy with Mouth. Modes of Play include Fetch, Spin, and Tug of War. Exercise Caution when in Play not to interact PERFECT_DOG with Contaminated Water or Power Tools. When not in Play, PERFECT_DOG will Walk, Sit, Run, or Just Lie There. This is Acceptable and Normal.

Should PERFECT_DOG (unlikely) begin excessive Leakage or to Smoke, send PERFECT_DOG Immediately to nearest Specialist with typewritten Report. PERFECT_DOG will be Returned to you in 3 to 5 Days after Payment and will be OK. You will Miss PERFECT_DOG but PERFECT_DOG will miss You, also. PERFECT_DOG will return to you and be OK.


To meet other Owners of PERFECT_DOG in your Area, consult Please your local Log Book. Owners of PERFECT_DOG meet often in Groups to discuss Musculature and Intake. It is Proper in conversation not to stray from Topic of PERFECT_DOG. Other Topics may be Rude. Do Not be Nosy or risk Ejection from Group.

Should unacceptable Behavior or Improvisation become desired, Command PERFECT_DOG to Misbehavior. PERFECT_DOG will Not misbehave without Command and will otherwise be Loyal. To cease Misbehavior command PERFECT_DOG, “No, Stop,” and Point one Finger. PERFECT_DOG will begin Sulk. To relieve Sulk command, “<<NAME>>, I Forgive You. It Is OK.” For Closure, interact PERFECT_DOG with Treat.


To look at PERFECT_DOG one would think it was Human. To connect, place one Hand on Scalp of PERFECT_DOG. Feel your Palm stretch from Bones above Eyes of PERFECT_DOG to just behind Ears. Allow Fur to brush your Hand and stroke in downward Motions. PERFECT_DOG will only be Friendly and Sit. PERFECT_DOG will know You. PERFECT_DOG is aware of all occurrences Before and is prepared for all Possibilities After. PERFECT_DOG will remain in Sit until Calm. PERFECT_DOG will Not interact with Contaminated Water or Power Tools. PERFECT_DOG will cost you Money and one day will Die.

All rights reserved to Harry McAlister.

Stank on the Towel Again

Stank on the Towel Again

Dear Nonexistent Children

Dear Nonexistent Children