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Headlines, Teasers & Ads from Media in a Parallel World Where We Live under Oppressive Matriarchy Instead of Oppressive Patriarchy

Headlines, Teasers & Ads from Media in a Parallel World Where We Live under Oppressive Matriarchy Instead of Oppressive Patriarchy

by Harmony Neal

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Why Do Women have 5–12 Husbands? It’s Evolution!

Researchers examined why women need multiple husbands to perform all the physical and childrearing labor and provide a variety of sperm for the next generation. It’s all explained by science and evolution!


Ad: Ocean Motion Trainers: With our new and improved patented pelvis trainer, you too can be an attractive sexual partner in no time!




14-Year-Old Boy Claims He Was Raped by 3 Women

Boy’s friend, “I’m not sure what happened, but Alan dresses very provocatively and is quite girl-crazy. He might be trying to get attention.”


Ad: Hot Daddy Depilatory Crème: Get rid of unwanted body hair in minutes a day. New wood pulp scent!

Ad: Fertile Guy Beard Extensions: Appeal to your wife’s biology to pick you for orgasm. Now with more red shade options!


Should Men Be Allowed into Politics? 10 Politicians Explain Why That’s a BAD IDEA

President says, “I can’t trust the judgment of anyone who can’t control their genitals. Involuntary erections show that men likely can’t control their minds either. I respect men, don’t get me wrong, but can you imagine if they were in positions of power? What if they got erections during important briefings? They’d be losing vital blood from their brains! Our national security is at stake!”


Ad: Sick of bearing children? Our new procedure lets the husbands do all the work. Now husbands can satisfy their uterus envy while women focus on running the world. Minimally invasive. Priced for a modest income!


Men’s Magazine: How to Be the Best Father in Your Family AND Entire Neighborhood

Tips and tricks for attending to your wife’s and children’s every need, keeping your house and property spic-and-span and artistically decorated. Successful fathers tend to get more attention and more orgasms, so keep reading to see how you can live a fulfilling life!


Ad: Erection Blocker Trousers: Embarrassed by your involuntary erections? Afraid you look like a mindless slut? Our new trousers prevent erections by cutting off blood flow to your scrotum. They really work!


Man Breaks Glass Ceiling, Discovers New Mathematical Equation

We talk to his wife about how she supported him, believed in him, and gave him half of his ideas. We talk to his colleagues about what he wears to work, how neatly he keeps his desk, and whether or not the new equation is important to math. We ask him how he managed to learn advanced math despite his involuntary erections. We’ll also go into his home to see what kind of father and husband he is. Did he selfishly neglect his wife’s children?


Ad: Degrees in woodworking, filigree, gardening, and other home beautifications to keep men busy and content.


The Science Is IN! Women Prefer Muscular, Well-Bearded Men with Little Body Hair and a Meek Disposition

Global study reveals the truth we already knew! Women are physically attracted to certain traits that correspond with fertility and domestic ability and harmony.


Ad: Past your prime? Unhappy and unfulfilled? Chemical castration can help! Get rid of annoying erections and sex drive so you can focus on the things that really matter in life!


Roaming Wives: Why We’re Often More Interested in Sex with Each Other than Sex with Our Husbands

“It’s intellectual,” Amina McCoy said. “Sure, sex with men is okay sometimes and necessary—for now—to produce offspring, but there’s just something so sexy about an equal mind.” Myah Patel agrees: “I take great pleasure in arousing female partners. Male partners can be aroused by roadkill. There’s no challenge there.”


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Now Showing: Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein Adapted to the Big Screen

Five stars. The classic tale of Victor, who, after risking everything to fulfill his misplaced drive to create life himself, realizes he cannot handle the pressure of motherhood and runs away. His creature also suffers severe uterus envy and goes on the type of killing spree men with untreated nervous disorders are prone to. As relevant today as when it was written. Take your entire family to see this film!


Ad: Get the help you need. Are you or your loved one suffering from nervous disorders? Mother Wombhaven’s Center for Nervous Men can help. We have all the latest treatments and interventions for men suffering from nervous disorders. We help men get back to their families faster so they can again take pride in fatherhood.


Another Male Suicide—Note Claims He Hated Being a Husband and Father

His wife remembers all the times he was happy being a husband and father. His co-husbands break social taboos and explain Matt’s mental instability was the result of a nervous disorder, a chemical imbalance in his brain he couldn’t help. Of course he wanted to enjoy being a husband and father, just like all other men. Matt’s mother gives insight into her son’s history of mental illness, starting with the time he didn’t want to do his chores while his sisters played games and worked on their art. Wonders if it was her husbands’ insufficient fathering. Dr. Ophelia Sparks provides advice about symptoms to look out for and encourages us all that there are treatments available. Our husbands don’t need to suffer in silence from bad biology anymore.


 

Harmony Neal has been awarded a 2018 Minnesota Artist Initiative Grant. Her stories have recently appeared in Shadows & Tall Trees, The Fantasist, Interzone, and Black Static. She encourages oppressed people everywhere to get hysterical. harmonyisawitch.com

Illustration by Meg Murphy.


And Then I Cursed This Motherfucker

And Then I Cursed This Motherfucker

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