The Writer Considers God
An online quiz says I have the same personality as Jesus. What does this say about me? That even if I’m unloved, they all know who I am. That betrayal will be what kills me. Jesus said the second greatest commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself. I love my neighbors, just not myself. When they are lonely, I bake them cupcakes in ice cream cones. I buy them books on do-it-yourself fashion. I spot them cash for chai tea lattes. But I will only ever hope for a better past. I, the writer, portray things as they were. I have the power to write things as I wish them to be, but I’ve always been one for precision. Even in my fantasies everyone is an asshole. This is what they choose, and isn’t it all about free will? I am not a good person. I have swung at a man who treated me like nothing. I failed to turn the other cheek. I am bitter. Dark chocolate-covered coffee bean bitter. Like that episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when Buffy dies, but doesn’t stay dead. Everyone thought she was gone forever, so she was replaced. The new slayer played life by the rules, so she died. And good riddance because her Jamaican accent was terrible. I do not know what I am trying say. A part of me worries I’ll get struck down by lightning for trying to play God. Shouldn’t He want me to be like Jesus? I didn’t even write the stupid quiz. When good things happen everyone wants the credit, but when it all hits the fan no one ever wants to blame themselves.
Lauren Yates is a poet and therapist-in-training based in Philadelphia. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in APIARY, Whiskey Island, XOJane, and the Bettering American Poetry anthology. When she isn't writing poems or processing feelings, Lauren enjoys perfecting her side eye, mourning TV shows that were canceled too soon, and striving toward the perfect playlist.