All tagged John Gordon

I’m afraid that I may be a little of a Johnny-come-lately in a addressing this much talked about publication, but I also think that I would be remiss if I were to overlook it entirely.

My reluctance to review the 365 Kittens a Year 2010 Calendar until the summer of 2011 has a lot to do with my conflicted feelings on the book. But I will say straight out that there’s a lot to like here. Primarily, the cats. There are literally hundreds of them. Each one looks out at you as if to say, “I’m a cat!” or “We’re cats!” or “I’m tired!” or “I’m filthy!” and so forth. It’s all wonderful.

But you’ll notice that I wrote “cats,” and not “kittens.” I know that a very large portion of kittens eventually turns into cats, and that this is a necessity if we’re to maintain a functioning kitten industry, but the fact is plain that despite the title these are not all kittens. Many of them are cats. It’s not an insurmountable obstacle to enjoying the calendar in itself, but it’s perhaps indicative of contradictions yet to come.

What’s it like to be in a Literary Death Match, Minneapolis/St. Paul Edition?

I suppose you wonder what it’s like to be in a Literary Deathmatch, Minneapolis/St. Paul Edition. No, sure, many of y’all have been to a Literary Deathmatch, Minneapolis/St. Paul Edition, and some of you have even skillfully written of what that’s like. But precious few have ever actually participated. To describe it … well, it would be like describing making love for the first time, or relating what it was like to kill a person or animal that you hated. You might say what it felt like, the anticipation, the nervousness, the fumbling, groping hands, the brief ecstasy, the embarrassed relief at it being over, and the sinking feeling that you now have more dead horse on your hands than you could possibly fit on your bike. You could say all that, and it would all be true, but something would still be missing in the retelling.

Still, what’s the use if we don’t try, right? I would hate for the next contestants of a Literary Deathmatch, Minneapolis/St. Paul Edition to step in front of the microphone and be totally, utterly unprepared. You shouldn’t be up there just wondering where to squeeze, you know?

The obvious analogy, of course, is to Mad Max 3: Beyond Thunderdome. I’m assuming everyone has seen it, yes? Any one of the Paperdarts women could take the place of Aunty (Tina Turner, duh), Todd Zuniga would be the elfin Master, or maybe the ringleading Dr. Dealgood, and Brian Beatty, obviously, is the hulking Blaster. Seems pretty straightforward, right?