We asked our current interns, Alyssa Bluhm and Ethan Marxhausen, to put on pizza slice costumes and wrestle for our amusement, but they said no. We let them interview each other instead.
Alyssa interviews Ethan
1. If you ruled the universe (or at least Earth…or even just America), what would be the first television show you would erase from existence?
New Girl. Any film or TV show that shows Zooey Deschanel in a relationship should be censored for the good of anybody who is not in a relationship with Zooey Deschanel. Or Elementary. If you're gonna rip off a show that's already perfect, only it's from England, you better at least do it well. This is why the world hates us.
2. Are you related to any famous people, or people who did famous things? If yes, how?
My great-uncle was on Letterman once. He invented this thing called the Cosmic Cube, which was a hollow aluminum cube with thickish wires in it. When you turned it around it made a sound like a spaceship from a 60s flick. That's about as close as my family's come to fame, as far as I know.
3. Who were you in a past life?
A tsar. Didn't do so hot. Remember Dr. Zhivago? Got demoted for that.
4. What would be the title of your autobiography?
I Was Told There'd Be Cake.
5. Bill Nye or the Magic School Bus?
Magic School Bus, all the way. Science is boring if there's no threat of death.
6. Do you have a favorite literary device? What is it?
Stream of consciousness. I love the immediacy and the gaps.
7. What would your Animagus be?
Maybe a fly, so I could be on walls and listen to people. But that'd also be risky, because I could get swatted. Maybe a vampire. Could I be a vampire? I wouldn't mind being nocturnal. And then there's all those special powers. Vampire, definitely. But none of that sparkling in the sunlight bullcrap.
8. If you had to spend the day with your 12-year-old self, what would you do together?
I’d tell myself to stop tucking my shirts into my jeans, cuz that looks dumb. Then I'd give myself a list of stocks to invest in. Then I'd say, you know that shirt thing I just told you about? That doesn't mean that if you feel like doing something weird you shouldn't do it. Kid weirdness is directly proportional to adult coolness. Dunno if it's cosmic law, overcompensation, or some other sociological constant, but whatever it is, it's fair.
Ethan interviews Alyssa
1. Who is your favorite Minnesota-based writer / musician / artist?
Definitely the Andrews Sisters. When I was three years old, their greatest hits was one of the first cassette tapes I ever owned. I don’t know what happened to that tape, but I paid waaay too much for another one on Amazon.com last year. Nostalgia makes me do dumb things.
2. You are suddenly the CEO of Trump Co. What do you do first?
I honestly have no idea what Trump even does, but I would do annoyingly sensible things with my enormous paycheck, like pay off my student loans, and then take my parents out to dinner a million times. Then I would adopt a dog. Actually, several dogs.
3. Which Hollywood actor, living or dead, would you hire as your personal bodyguard?
Daniel Craig! Even though he isn’t actually James Bond, I’m just going to assume he still has the skills. And anyway, he’d be less of a bodyguard and more of a traveling piece of eye candy.
4. How old would a Twinkie have to be before you would refuse to eat it?
I once read something about how Twinkies actually do go bad at a certain point. But considering I’ve never had one (do I default fail at life for that?), I don’t think I’d be too tempted to eat one past its expiration date.
5. What is your favorite punctuation mark?
The interrobang (‽) because, obviously, it has the coolest name.
6. If you could be wildly successful at any professional sport, which would you choose and why?
Competitive napping is a thing, right? (Googles it) Oh, it actually is a thing… Well then, I guess it’s time to go pro!
7. Who wins in a three-way fistfight between Michael Cera, Kristen Stewart, and you?
Michael Cera would chicken out immediately, I know that much. The fight would probably end in a standstill between Kristen Stewart and me, because I think we’re both too apathetic to try to win.
8. You die and get to come back as two animals combined, griffin-style. Which two do you choose?
A bear and a dog. A dear? A bog? Whatever, I’d be so dang cuddly.