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Old Man Bitches

 I find myself at work, constantly refreshing my Twitter page, waiting for you people to give me something worth the energy it takes for me to move my eyes four inches across the screen, and I realize that there needs to be some damn rules for Twitter. Let’s face it, if you’re not Renée Zellweger (why did I pick her? She is neither young, nor attractive, nor culturally relevant anymore, but I can’t turn back now), nobody needs to know that “OMG just fedd pupsy wupsy and went on a jogg and dropped the cutest little #2.” I want barf into my own eyes just reading that.

      So, without further ado, here are the however many number of rules for Twitter. Follow them and don’t ask any questions. Stupids.


  1. Don’t: Post about the incredible meal you just had. Especially if you made it yourself and it sounds delicious and exotic, because the rest of us are alone at home and our cooking skills don’t extend beyond making grilled cheeses on the radiator with expired Country Crock.

  2. Do: Drunk Tweet. Let’s face it: you love doing it, we love reading it. Just because you’re not Lindsay Lohan doesn’t mean we don’t like seeing a slow-motion train wreck. And in real-time, too!

  3. Don’t: Complain about how shitty your day is. Everyone’s day is shitty, that’s why we’re on the Internet, pretending to work and instead reading articles about when the newest Muppets movie is coming out (starring Jason Segel!).

  4. Do: Put social media to its intended purpose and pretend you have the best life ever and that gold Sacagawea dollar coins shoot out your butthole and you live next door to Josh Hartnett.

  5. Don’t: Use poor capitalization if you are IN GRADUATE SCHOOL FOR ENGLISH. You’re not E.E. Cummings. You know who you are.

  6. Do: Re-tweet that video of the chimpanzee pissing in his own mouth. Classic.

  7. Don’t: Let any of your coworkers follow you on Twitter. Keep the people that pay you away from your borderline bi-polar thought-garbage, and instead direct people to your relatively tame-by-comparison Facebook. If your Facebook contains nothing but pictures from that trip to Lake Mille Lacs when you passed out and got cocks drawn all over your face in black Magic Marker, then say that you only use LinkedIn and feign ignorance to the existence of Facebook/Twitter/social media in general. Or say you have “electronic mail now” and they can “electronic mail” you at yourname69@hotmail.com. Said co-workers will back away slowly.

  8. Do: Post nudey photos of yourself à la Paramore lead singer Hayley Williams (Google it. Without SafeSearch). That’s the only reason men know what the Internet is.

  9. Don’t: Do this if you are a young, budding U.S. Congressman from New York with a silly last name.

  10. Do: Tweet to celebrities. They’re famous; you want to be famous; and everyone knows you’re only one @reply away from your big break! And let’s face it, you were fresh out of photos of Jockey-restrained erections, anyway (see: directly above).

  11. Don’t: Take any of these ten points into consideration if you are a celebrity. You can pretty much do no wrong and people will follow you, even if you just Tweet pictures of your nasty big toe all day (see @dannydevito).

So there you are, folks. Bottom line is, be funny, irreverent, charming. I.e. don’t be yourself. 

Peace, 

 

Timma

 

Tim Engelstad got the nickname Timma in the seventh grade, and it stuck. He currently works at the University of Minnesota and is a fan of non-stick frying pans, motivational posters, and How I Met Your Mother.

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