So, it's Wednesday, July 27th, and you're not sure what you're going to do tonight.
You could come check this blog for a slurry of impractical ideas in crappy comic form mostly involving cats, Facebook, and getting drunk off bro beer...but unfortunately that's just not going to work this time. I tried to draw some double-penis snakes and prehensile penis hands for this blog last night, but I'm a busy woman, okay? I had a lot of important stuff to do. Writing a sentence of an article that was due three hours ago, checking Twitter, pretending you have to pee, rewriting that sentence, then wandering into the kitchen to eat your third bowl of Basic 4 is tough work, my friend.
Which means that this time, I'm not going to give you any options, I'm just going to tell you exactly what you're going to do tonight:
Get your pasties pasted and your ass chapped, because tonight you're coming (heh heh, get it? coming!) to the Vita.mn Summer Story Contest.
This year's theme? SEX. The big one. The kahuna. The nasty. The...guy..when he inserts his thing... like into another guy/girl...all sexily and stuff.
What: Vita.mn Sexytime Storytelling
Where: Brave New Workshop 2605 Hennepin Ave S
When: 7 pm for free apps and shit, 8 pm readings start
Who: As of now I know that JOHN JODZIO is reading a story about a snake named Tito and his orgy escapades.
Oh, also, um...yeah, I might be reading too. So, if I've ever wronged you (rejected your piece, forgot to respond to your email, poked fun at the coffee you drink such "obscene amounts" of) now's your chance to get back at me. Heckle away! I swear I'll be too drunk to still be mad at you tomorrow morning.
To get you in the mood (waahaha! "in the mood"), here are some weird animal sex facts:
1) Honeybees testicles EXPLODE when they mate with the queen. Yep, the drones' little beebits explode and snap off inside the queen, thus acting as a plug to prevent other drones from fertilizing that snatch.
2) Red-sided garter snakes have TWO PENISES, one on each side of the body. The female snake release a pheromone that attracts hundreds of bros, who all squirm around her in a giant mating ball, trying to insert whichever penis is closer into her ladyparts. Apparently it's a tourist attraction in Manitoba. Really.
3) In order to decide if a female giraffe is good sex, the male giraffe will come up behind her, give her rump a little nudge, then proceed to DRINK A MOUTHFUL OF HER PEE that she releases just for him. If it's tasty stuff, the gangle-humps begin.
4) Male dolphins have a long, retractable PREHENSILE PENIS that can act like a hand if they need it too. Foreplay during real play? What?
5) It takes 40 YEARS for a male giant galapagos turtle to reach sexual maturity. So when he finally has his first time, it's long (like up to 3 hours long) and loud. Can we really blame the guy, though? Some turtle chicks dig it I bet.
Oh, and he wants you to come too.