There was this time, many moons ago when Paper Darts first started (that’s almost 2 years ago now, cripes!) that I did a series of blog posts called Everybody’s Awkward and Uncomfortable. They mainly revolved around things that made me feel awkward and uncomfortable, and I wrote about them in hopes that hundreds of people JUST. LIKE. ME. would comment on the blogs with encouraging things like “Oh my god, I think hugs are scary too!”
Then we would meet in real life and run off to the Cayman Islands to sit on the beach uncomfortably together, complaining about how we asked for no salt on our drinks.
Unfortunately, most of the hits I got came from people Googling the Nasonex Bee (f’real, we still get at least three hits a week from the ol’ Antonio Banderas voiced bee molester) and I quit doing it soon after.
Anyway, I’m here to tell you that for one day only (actually my entire life, but this one day it’ll be on Paper Darts) I’m going to resurrect the Everybody’s Awkward and Uncomfortable blog and pair it with a theme…
So, here it is:
Everybody’s Awkward and Uncomfortable ABOUT THE INTERNET!!!
1) Being on the internet is really hard.
There are all these things happening all the time and you never know what to pay attention to. And then sometimes, man, all you want to do is just look at google images of fat monkeys for like three hours, but all these people be emailing you all the time and posting new shit on their blogs all the time and then before you know it you can’t remember where you are, who you’re talking to, why that fat monkey looks so much like your friend from junior high, if the Planet of the Apes was a just a movie or if it actually came true, and oh man, are you now also a fat monkey too?
2) Being a person on the internet is extra harder.
To truly be counted as a person on the internet, you now must have Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, a blog, and a website at bare minimum. There are probably many other more requirements, but I have yet to catch up with them (I don’t really count as a real person, I’m more like one of Marty McFly’s siblings fading out of a photograph). If someone can’t stalk you through at least three different venues, you probably don’t exist.
3) Being an interesting person on the internet is ABSOLUTELY THE HARDEST.
Oh my god, I haven’t tweeted in like two days, I better share some of my totally blasé but totally clever and also a pinch of self-deprecating thoughts right now. But crap, I have absolutely nothing funny to say. I came to work this morning, I’m at work now, I guess I’m a little bit hungry and sleepy and also missing my dog, but I hate people who tweet about that shit. I can’t be one of those people. Shoot, my Tumblr’s totally outdated too. I don’t even know how to reblog something. Should I post a picture of my lunch? Ooo, somebody posted a picture of a fat monkey, how do I share that?
God. Why am I so boring? Why does everyone hate me so much? Why did my parents have to raise me so normally? Couldn’t I at least have had an effed up childhood so I could make offbeat slightly jarring comments about my mom's drug addiction and why won't dad stop peeing in the neighbor's pool?
Post Script/Disclaimer: Regan wrote this blog and Microsoft Painted these pictures really, really quickly, if you can believe it. You can find her stressing out and being boring on Tumblr, Twitter, and this shitty website she made.