First take away from this article that these are not the minutes of the Meeting of the Literary Death Match that took place at Aster Café last Sunday, June 5th—that is, this is not a blow by blow, then-this-happened-then-she-said-then-this-poem-was-read-and-it-was-about-butterflies-but-it-totally-had-an-underlying-theme-of-the-economic-downturn-and-destruction-of-the-middle-class. No, my friends. This is not one of those.
As none of you may know—and pay attention, because this is the learning portion of the tonight’s show—the Literary Death Match is a traveling circus of sorts, co-created and emceed (M.C.-ed?) by Opium Magazine editor Todd Zuniga. A forewarning: several comical jabs will be made at the expense of Mr. Zuniga, but I beg you, please do not let my sophomoric blows at Mr. Zuniga cast any shadow over his vast personage, o’ ye of discerning tastes. And take not my tale as ultimate truth, but as one young boy’s humble peek into the divine; and check this shit out next time T-Rex Todd and the Morning Crew come through your borough.
Top 11 Things I Came Away With from My 1st (And Hopefully not Last) Literary Death Match:
1) Paper Darts Three Headed Octopus threw their weight around at the Aster Café to accommodate your narrator and occupy a larger table at the gala event.
2) Tweeted my undying love (read: arousal) for Jeremy Messersmith. Personally coined the phrase “local celeb nerd-boner.”
3) PD Editor and Octopus Head Regan Smith asked if I brought a date. Laughs were had by all.
4) PD Octopus Head Jamie Millard TOTALLY BAILED like halfway through. Seriously, guys.
5) Octopus Head Regan ordered a three-course meal and water-boarded me with guacamole until I submitted to all her demands.
6) The Aster Café was “out of all your favorite beers.” Joke was made about my flat beer being a scotch. Laughs were had by all (that watch How I Met Your Mother, at least).
7) Women write deeply personal, highly articulate poetry and the like. Men write fart jokes.
8) Emcee (M.C.?) Todd Zuniga as a joke called PD Octopus Head and Artist Extraordinaire Meghan Suszynski a transgender. Riots ensued. Whole blocks were burned to rubble. Dirty, unclothed children cried in the streets and were comforted by no one.
9) Zuniga ranked Minnesota author Sinclair Lewis a “four” on a Two-to-Ace playing card scale. I verbally rebuked (the man won a damn Nobel Prize for Christ’s sake! Sorry if I give a damn and think that there should be some breathing room between Main Street and Prairie Home Companion. Point conceded with F. Scott Fitzgerald as Ace, however) and I was throttled for insubordination.
10) I did not get to meet Jeremy Messersmith, although I am sure he is a nice guy and a 100% human being and totally not a Super Human Music Robot From Space With Totally Rad Glasses and Hair.
11) Biking on cobblestones hurts your ass, man.
So all in all I had a good time, you could say. Talked books. Finally got a beer that wasn’t flat. Peed like three times. Pretty girls; men with beards that would make a grown man weep. So yeah.
P.S. Sorry for name dropping so much. This article should be named “I Totally Know the Editors of Paper Darts And Like Hang Out With Them All The Time, Is How Cool I Am.” Which is true. It happens you guys. You don’t even know.
P.P.S. Tertiary name for article: “I Totally Use the Word ‘Totally’ Too Much.”
Did you attend the LDM last week? Have any takeaways of your own to share?