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Literary Death Match


There comes a time in every young pup’s life when he or she must finally accept that life is not actually the distilled water bowl of steak eating, squirrel chasing, butt sniffing utopia oft envisioned during his or her most innocent hours.

My friends, Tuesday, April 6th was that time for Paper Darts. We participated in Opium Magazine’s first ever Twin Cities’ Literary Death Match at Club Jaeger, and we lost. Like the one squirrel that got away, the lost title of best literary voice in Minneapolis will haunt us forever. Not because we failed, but because we were cheated, duped, swindled, and shafted!

You see, we had this reader, John Gordon, you may remember him from his stunning guest appearances on Vacation Fitness, Magical Kingdom, and, most recently Paper Darts Proposal. True, he was already a nationally recognized celebrity coming into the competition--something of a ringer you might say--and so perhaps you could claim that the cheated (us) were in fact also the cheaters (us again). But no one ever said you can’t put Mike Tyson in a cockfight and no one ever told us a deity like John Gordon has no place in a friendly little Death Match, so let’s let bygones be bygones and focus on the matter at hand...

My lovers, truth be told, there was no cheating at last Tuesday’s event. There was beer, and there was laughter, and there were men wearing plaid and glasses and finely groomed scruff, but the competition was fair. Though we are certainly sore losers no matter the situation, we must remind ourselves that we lost only in the most superficial sense. Competing in the Death Match was a win in and of itself, and we are eternally humbled and grateful to Opium for taking a chance and inviting this weird little magazine of ours to participate. It was a wonderful night and if you didn’t make it you can read the full (and much, much better) account of events here.

Finally, my husbands and wives, let us pay homage to the celebrities who made this possible (and who also made us feel extraordinarily cool when they came to dinner with us after the show):

Opium’s Todd Zuniga. You are like the spike to our punch, the zebra print to our shoes, and the Shaquille O’Neal  to our Kazaam.

Paper Darts’ John Gordon. Finally your sweater vests and racial observations got the credit they deserved. You’re always a winner in our book, champ.

John Jodzio, Brian Beatty, Darci Shummer, Dessa, Dennis Cass, Rob Callahan, and Steve Marsh. You guys were totally neat, let’s get together for marg’s and pedi’s down on the boardwalk soon, k? Kisses.

Read John’s Death Match story here:

Until next noteworthy topic,
Regan, Meghan, and Jamie

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