Sophisticated, serious, insightful...
That is the type of blog I would be writing if I was even remotely capable of exemplifying any of those things. I know many of you (based on the one of you who commented on my last blog) are hankering for me to make this blog a little more, well, relevant to Paper Darts and anyone who has a normally functioning brain. And while I would (probably not) love to do that, I just can’t. There has to be a stupid one in this club, and Meghan and Jamie both immediately agreed that I fit the bill best. Kinda like Harpo I guess, and who the hell doesn’t like Harpo?
Getting to the pressing issue at hand...my family has an ongoing debate about the Ultimate Animal Battle. If you take one of every land animal currently on the planet and put them all in a huge gym with nothing but a wooden floor and walls, which one would win in a giant fight to the death? And don’t be all smart and say bacteria, disease, or some shit like that, they don’t count. Every animal has to fight, no claiming that a rat could hide in the corner till everybody else kills each other or something. These are some mad muchachos, and they’re all out for blood.
Paw Smith: Tarantula
Maw Smith: Sweet cuddly bunny rabbit/I don’t remember.
Brother Bear 1: Hippo
Brother Bear 2: Grizzly Bear
Sister Bear: Elephant
Brother Bear 3: Rhino
Me Bear: The only right answer.
There are many reasons why each of my siblings are wrong, and if you know any of them I will give you a fabulous prize. There are many reasons why I am right, and if you tell me the answer, I will consider allowing you into my Official Animal Expert club, complete with all club benefits and once weekly sauna usage.
Brother Bear 2 also seems to believe that in the same setting in a one on one battle between him and an Anaconda, he would win. All right, that’s maybe plausible. What’s not plausible, however, is the strategy he plans to use to kill the Anaconda. Namely that he would run behind the Anaconda, bite it’s tail, run away from it’s head, run behind and bite it’s tail, and so on and so on.
Quite obviously this is wrong and he is an idiot. So, to you I ask, what is the REAL strategy you should use to kill an Anaconda with nothing to use but your own wit and nudey self?
Add your comments or you’re gonna be in real trouble next time you get locked in an empty gym with a giant man-eating snake.