Last week I came down with a bad case of laziness. It was pretty awful. My legs atrophied (not really), my eyes wouldn’t open (it was before noon, to be fair), my fingers were totally weighed down (from the Donettes hanging on them), and that damn Real Housewives of Orange County programme was just so saucy (Gretch is such a bitch!).
Long story short--you don’t even want to hear about how I took a slip in the bathroom and wailed “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” over and over--I didn’t write a blog for last week. Crisis! So to make up for it, I’m making this entry Extra long. Double the flavor, double the fun, right? No wait, that’s not Extra’s slogan, they should come up with a snappier one so I can remember it. “Extra the flavor, Extra the fun.” That would be perfect.
Before I begin though, I’d like to learn a little bit more about YOU! What makes you tick? What are your dreams? Do you like ketchup on your scrambled eggs? Do you swear like a sailor when you shave your legs? Who are you, man?
Just kidding. If you don’t have more balls than a big brass monkey I don’t really care.
(Understand lame reference here)
10) Listening to someone else’s dream if you’re not in it
I’ve mentioned this before, but seriously, it’s like What’s your damage, Heather? Get over yourself, hag.
On that note, though, I did have a really badass one last night and Uncle Joey from Full House was in it, but he wasn’t really Joey, he was like some guy who looked like Joey but not really. Oh, and then we were dropped in a vat of oil, but it wasn’t really oil, it was just some black stuff. Isn’t that weird?
11) Making like George Costanza and stealing food from the trash
I’ve never actually stolen food from the trash, I guess, but when I waitressed in Seattle and had no money I would steal food from people’s plates as I brought them into the kitchen. It’s not gross if the person isn’t gross, right? If they were a really cute boy it would be like you were kissing a really cute boy, right? Nobody can resist a cute boy, just like nobody can resist a delicious leftover falafel ball. There.
12) Eating nectarines in public
There’s really no way to look dainty doing it, especially if you’re someone like me and couldn’t look dainty even if Miss Manners were sitting on your shoulder whispering advice to you all day. The juice dribbles down your chin and the chewing makes all these unattractive smooshy noises. Like when someone eats Starburst. (Notice how all the Sexy Girls in those commercials are only shown unwrapping the Starburst all sexy like in their sexy mouths and never eating it. Oh, to be a Sexy Starburst Girl...)
The lesson is, never try.
The amount of “I”’s in this is making me uncomfortable.
LISTEN: Wreckless Eric
WATCH: Puppets! Dandy Warhols!
GET ADDICTED TO: Red Vines. I have 4 lbs at home if you want me to send you a starter pack.